Stephen - "That doesn't even look like Garrett." Billy - "I know it looks like Arnold Schwarz."
Me - "What do you do?" Spencer - "I make more money than most people's parents combined."
Me - "You look great today." Kimbre - "Eww I look like somebody bought me at a yard sale.
Whitney - "Docking? I want to try it with you please."
Me - "I'm rolling down the hill and there's poo in my mouth." Heather - "Poohalicious."
Kellen - "Hands Down!" Me – “More like body down!”
Daphne - "You got to be effing kidding me." Me - "No I am not effing kidding you. I don't eff and I don't kid."
Heather - "How's Spencer and what's her name? Ummm, Lipstick?"
Me - "Who sings this song?" Cole -"The Mighty Ducks."
Mom - "Did you enjoy christmas?" Me - "Of course, It's an urban christmas. An urban christmas!"
Jessi - "Hilary's cake weighs seven pounds." Me - "Does it have Will Smith's face on it?"
Kimbre - "When you look at me, do you see a man?"
Heather - "Not having you here is like the three amigos without their horse."
Kristy - "Ooh ok. That's weird. Hmm really weird."
Billy - "It doesn't matter if I match. I match with awesomeness. My shoes are awesome, my pants are awesome, my shirt is awesome."
Brittany - "Are you from Pocatello too? Are you from Pocatello too? Are you?"
Me - "Do you want to come to Hollywood with us?" Whitney - "Hollywood? I love hollywood. Sometimes I feel like I should always be there."
Me - "I know what I'm buying you for your birthday." Jessi - "A snuggie. I already know." Me - "Nope you can use this daily." Jessi - "A Sham Wow." Me - "It's even better. It's called a bump it." Jessi - "What does one do with one of those?" Me - "All I'm saying is that if you want to have the utah look you need one." Jessi - "Uh oh pass pass pass. I'll take the sham wow. For reals."
Me - "I just talked to a girl named Whisper." Lauren - "What? Whisper? Did you say (whispering) is Whisper there?"
Me - "So how was she?" Cole - "Oh you know, she's cool, she's hot, she's nice, she's funny." Me - "Oh, sounds like you really got to know her."
Me - "What temple picture should we buy?" Billy - "New Port or Chino. I really wish Chino had a temple."
Spencer - "I love being hot 24/7."
Jessi - "Did you see that baby? It looks like a velociraptor."
Nicole - "Remember how we went to the temple and I couldn't do baptisms? That was fun." Me - "Remember how you should've taken out your endowment that day? Your loss." Nicole - "Oh ya, couldn't you just see me walk in there? Hi, I'd like to take out my endowments... without my family here... and the widgets will just tell me what to do."
Kimbre – “Are you dead? Are you on campus? Are you dead on campus?”
Stephen - "They're going to kiss just like Britney and Madonna." Me - "That was the best day of my life."
Jessi - "You can have a coke."
Nicole - "Is that Ashley snoring or is a bison hunting us?"
Me - "Billy are you going to the devotional?" Billy - "No I've already seen Elder Hales live." Me - "Because he's a band right?" Erin - "Yes, Elder Hales and the 70."
Dave - "Stop being a tool man."
Stephen - "I hate that man. He's like the devil reborn." Billy - "Technically the devil was never even born Stephen."
Nicole- "Is it just me, or are the Jonas Brother's pants getting tighter every time they're on TV? Pretty soon they're just going to be dancing torsos." Me - "I know, it can't be good for their testes." Nicole - "If you're going to wear a promise ring, saving yourself for marriage, what kind of promise will that be for your wife when you're unable to have sex due to tight pants? You're lying from day one."
Jessi - "Scrabble?" Me - "Just you and I? You will kill me?" Jessi - "Silly Garrett, I will not kill you." Me - "Ok not physically, but intellectually, if that's a word." Jessi - "It's definitely a word. And still you're gonna be good, I can tell." Me - "Well thanks. Who knew my aura gave off intellectual vibes?"
Kimbre – “If Gap were a man, I’d marry him, and divorce him…twice!”
Me - "A girl in the medieval club just sat down by me in the wilk with her sewing machine. She is sewing costumes. Really?" Spencer - "Wtf? Really? that is the most retarded thing I have ever heard." Me - "Do you want me to ask her if she can make you some levis?" Spencer - "No thanks. Not unless she can make me a quilt out of Sevens, Diesel, Rock and Republic and True Religions!" Me - "Ok I'll ask. I'm sure it'll be just like mine that you borrow all the time."
Stephen - "When I'm a God, I hope I have a triton."
Kimbre - "If one more person tells me to vote for someone I don't know, I'm going to rip their hair out." Me - "I hate BYUSA." Kimbre - "I'm going to blow up the tables and gun down the campaigners in the wilk." Me - "Can I help?" Kimbre - "I have a few minutes before work so that's fine. Just the testing center and the campaigners. Not the whole wilk, they sell my favorite granola bars." Me - "Ya but Rachel is in the wilk." Kimbre - "Oh good point. I will then. Smith's sells those granola bars too."
Me - "I will mail you a bumpit." Taryn - "A what?" Me - "A bumpit. bumpits.com, Go there now." Taryn - "Oh I already have one of those. I jut call it bear river slut hair headband. Maybe bumpit is a little more appropriate."
Erin - (reading a name on the list of clients) "Le-a, I can see you now." Le-a's Mom - "Girl (speaking to Erin), her name is not Lea. The dash in her name is not silent. Her name is Le-a (Ledasha)."
Stephen - "Why would she not make out with me? How could she resist?"
Nicole – “Can I just cry on your shoulder?” Me – “As long as you don’t get my v neck wet.”
Me- “Happy Birthday Jeff!” Jeff – “Thanks buddy!” “24 years ago today you were in heaven holding hands with all the angels singing saturdays warrior waiting to be born. What a great day.”
Kimbre – “This guy just told me he think I’m hot and it made me laugh really hard. To which he said, ‘oh yeah and I think you’re really sexy too.’ Thanks. You’re 19.” Me – “I just took a nap and woke up to that message. God is great. We are laughing together.” Kimbre – “I know right? Like I could use the self-esteem boost but come on.” Me – “It would be fine, but he’s 19.” Kimbre – “Guess what? Apparently I have beautiful eyes too.” Me – “He needs to go on a mission ASAP. He’s probably just looking to fill his canteen.” Kimbre – “He definitely wants to fill his canteen. Not happening. Ever. This well is dry.”
Kimbre - "I want to get married and have sexual relations like you promised."
Cole - "Look guys a bubble."
Michael - “Did you get a job?” “Not unless you consider coolest dad in the world a job.”
Spencer - "Your radiance is giving me a tan."
Greg - "John is teaching sunday school? But he is just like a politician. He is very well spoken but super sketchy."
Lauren - "Your mom is adorable. Period. The End."
Me - "Touch my body throw me on the floor kick me in the face shove me out the door."